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Hello embers,
I have been going through this since I was a child, and I can totally relate to everything you're saying. I am trying to find people interested in creating a support group for this debilitating condition in my area, but I don't know where to begin. It helps me tremendously when I talk to other people who suffer from this. I obsess over every incurable disease, to the point that it has been impossible for me to stay in relationship, have a career, or even have fun. In fact this monster seems more eager to strike when I'm NOT unhappy, like a reminder that I don't deserve a normal life. I blame my mother for this, her violence, her anger because of my father's alcoholism, and all the mental and physical abuse she put me through. To all appearances, I have a normal relationship with her, but I cannot forgive her. And none of this really matters: I went through years of CBT, was on Prozac for a couple of years, have been on natural tranquilizers forever, but nothing makes this go away. The Prozac helped for the time I was on it, but after I got off that the "monster" came back with a vengeance. Please keep writing, we're all we have.
Stella